The ‘no bloody fun’ list

OK so. Pregnancy and all that. During my first pregnancy I was in Ukraine and my Ob/Gyn (that’s what they called them over there), used to pat my hand and pray and bless me during every visit. Yes, she was a little nuts.

Alright, so my use of the term ‘first pregancy’ denotes that there is a ‘second pregnancy’, and yes, that’s right. There is. In fact, new sprog will be born three years almost to the day that old sprog was  born.

And this pregnancy is taking place in Australia (minus the week in Thailand and wherever else we may end up).

Now during the first pregnancy I was compelled to eat well because, quite frankly, sometimes Kyiv was a little gritty dirty and sometimes is was absolutely fucking filthy.

Take for example my walk from the metro station to the medical centre for my Obs appointment – Up the massive escalators and out the door, through throngs of people doing their shopping in the market, down the stairs and to this massive intersection of cars, trams, marstrutkas, taxis and people, which was also the home to about 50 stray dogs, massive puddles (many in the middle of the road) and a few sorry older people begging for a Kopek.

Once across the road, I would dodge the dogs’ lair, walk along the dirt track, past the Sharwarma place that NEVER REFRIGERATED ITS MEAT, NEVER EVER, through a hole in the fence and then up the muddy slope to the three steps at the top of the hill that led to the Medical Centre.

Add to that equation lots of leaded petrol pollution, cigarette smoke and the ubiquitous loogy and you have the recipe for a majorly neurotic pregnant lady.

My Ukrainian doctor (bless her) (she blessed me so often I now can’t say her name without blessing her) never gave me any healthy preggo eating guidelines except to say:

“Haf one apple or two kivis every day, so you do not get the constipation. God is blessing you.”

Indeed.

So I made my own rules based on what I read on the interwebs, and I started using Dettol hand cleanser. And everyone around me rolled their eyes as the ridiculousness of these ‘so-called’ food restrictions.

Roll around second pregnancy three years later, and I have in my hot little hands the “No Food Fun” list fresh from my last visit to the doctor. Yes, I haven’t formulated these eating guidelines based on Dr Google, this is straight from my very own live human Doctor. And OMG what a list…

Besides the requisite no soft cheese, no mouldy cheese, no deli meat, no undercooked meat, no sushi-not-just-because-of-the-raw-fish-but-also-because-of-the-rice… we have:

  • No sprouts of any kind, not even cooked (goodbye my beef noodle soups from the Rapid Creek Market)
  • No pate
  • No cooked but cold seafood
  • No soft serve ice-cream
  • No custard (blanket statement – will not even make an exception for the highly process and non-custard like Paul’s stuff from Coles that they try to fob off as custard, when an egg hasn’t been cracked within a mile of the factory)
  • No sandwiches from sandwich bars
  • No hot food unless its so hot it burns the roof of your mouth
  • No cold food either
  • No salads from a restaurant or salad shop
  • No Subway
  • Salads are only acceptable if you make them at home and wash and dry each delicated petal with the feather of a dove before you eat it (the salad, not the feather)
  • Even fruit has the caveat that it must be washed and dried IMMEDIATELY before eating
  • NO PARSLEY. I MEAN, WTF? (The good news is the doc and his cronies are only parsley-ist, not general herb-ist, so coriander, mint et al are safe)
  • Leftovers that are only one day old and reheated to the eff
  • No BBQ chooks and definitely no stuffing
  • It doesn’t even go into drinks, so until I hear otherwise I am still having my one small coffee per day and lots of sugary juice and soft drink.

So there you have it. Australians are officially ridiculously over the top. Even in litigious America, pregnant women are allowed to eat such cheeses as Mozzarella, Ricotta and Fetta if they are in fact, Pasteurised. The reason this disctinction is made is because it is possible to procure unpasteurised diary in the USA. It is illegal in Australia.

So you can imagine me on my lunch break – all I figure is safe to eat is food I bring from home (ha ha asifIhavetimetomakeit) or $4 worth of chips from the fish and chip place.

Ain’t pregnancy grand…

If you’ve been pregnant, how seriously did you take the orders not to eat anything remotely resembling a healthy food?

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8 thoughts on “The ‘no bloody fun’ list

  1. WTF? No parsley? Odd.

    Ok, so from that list, my 30 week pregnant self has managed to obey the following
    ◦No sprouts of any kind, not even cooked
    ◦No pate
    ◦No cooked but cold seafood
    ◦No soft serve ice-cream
    ◦No custard
    ◦No sandwiches from sandwich bars
    ◦No hot food unless its so hot it burns the roof of your mouth
    ◦No cold food either
    ◦No salads from a restaurant or salad shop
    ◦No Subway
    ◦Salads are only acceptable if you make them at home and wash and dry each delicated petal with the feather of a dove before you eat it (the salad, not the feather)
    ◦Even fruit has the caveat that it must be washed and dried IMMEDIATELY before eating
    ◦NO PARSLEY. I MEAN, WTF?
    ◦Leftovers that are only one day old and reheated to the eff
    ◦No BBQ chooks and definitely no stuffing

    Clearly I have managed to obey the pate and seafood thing rather well, but considering I didn’t eat them before pregnant, no biggie. Soft Serve has been a harder one, and I have demanded many times that my husband fill the void in my belly after birth with a chocolate thinkshake from Maccas.

    I do admit I was a bit more cautious in the first 10-12 weeks, but then it all got too hard, and I gave up and just ate whatever I felt like. If that just happens to be brussell sprouts for dinner, then so be it!

  2. Dammit, where did my strikethroughs go? Majority of them (except the pate, seafood and soft serve) were crossed out.

  3. Jeez. When I get pregnant I’m going to live on hot chips (mmm, hot chips) and icecream (not soft-serve of course). Seriously, that list just wiped out half my diet!

  4. That list is so ridiculous, not to mention unfair!Pregnant ladies are HUNGRY. I am happy to say I have delivered two healthy babies after two sinful pregnancies spent gorging on salads, sprouts, seafood, cold food, dirty fruit, leftovers, occasional glasses of wine and hundreds of kilograms of parsley. Scary, dangerous parsley. Oh , I ate brie & blue cheese too, except the fancy Roquefort that was served at a party. The ‘do not eat’ list is much longer now than it was 4 years ago when my youngest was born, I wonder about the reasons for this.
    To deprive a pregnant lady of cheese is akin to torture.

  5. what’s wrong with parsley? {I actually feel like shouting that} The cheese thing and everything I get {and i have heard the soft serve} but the rest, sheesh, I would have starved.

  6. Thanks for your comments everyone. Perhaps I am being a bit over the top in following the doc’s orders word for word…. Then I kind of thing, if something happened, I couldn’t forgive myself. That’s one of the downsides of being educated and informed – guilt and paranoia (well, in my case, anyway!)

    And I think someone out there just hates parsley and wants to banish from the world. I LOVE PARSLEY!

  7. I understand, I restricted a lot of foods prior to 10-12 weeks, it wasn’t until 20 odd weeks i started to eat ham from the deli (I still make them slice it for me fresh).

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