Tofu? It’s so bad for you (aka The LMM friendship waiver)

I’ve tried tofu before. In fact, in Australia, it was a staple in my and Mr Moi’s diet.

But I’ve never tried tofu on before.

Lemme explain.

Today I met with two friends, Mind the Gap and M. Being a lovely sunny morning, and the temperature only nudging 28 degrees cel, we decided to walk to the local market, Volodomyrski Rinok, in order to purchase some of the lovely fresh produce that’s available this time of the year.

I’ve been the the market enough times to have a couple of favourite sellers: the mad Azeri guy who insists on calling me his girlfriend (and yes, he’s met Mr Moi). The mad Ukrainian lady whose stall is filled with Asian cooking accoutrements like sushi mats, hot pots and rice cookers. I just go there to get MSG-filled instant noodles. And the Chinese mother and son who sell sauces, rice noodles, nori paper, Chinese herbs and spices and… Tofu.

Visiting the mother son duo, I walked into their little stall to examine the shelves in detail. At one point, this involved me picking my way over tubs of milky white water, which were sitting on the ground. I didn’t actually know what was in them, but I assumed stinky seafood (I thought I saw a squid tube in the water…)

Then I saw the mother pull a huge slab of lovely fresh, firm tofu out of the tub. Firm tofu! I hadn’t seen firm tofu my WHOLE time in Kyiv. I was so excited, I swivelled around to Mind the Gap and yelled, ‘Oh my gosh! They have fresh……!’

And that’s as far as I got. My foot, dressed only in a sandal with very bad grip, started to slide around a puddle of water on the ground.

‘Uh oh,’ I though. ‘My knee!’

Let’s just pause here for a moment. Remember a couple of days ago, when I posted the ‘Seven random things about‘ MeMe? I will now refer you to point number six. I have bad knees.

So. Before I had time to think about how damn unfashionable I would look, my knee twisted. My body contorted. A scream froze on my lips (well, perhaps that’s a bit Victorian-novel dramatic. But.) And I fell arse first – shoulder bag and all – into a tub of icy tofu water.

But I didn’t just slip. Oh no. Imagine arms spread, crucifixion-style, trying to grab onto something, anything. Legs akimbo, the whole shebang.

My first thought was, ‘Fuck! There’s water everywhere.’

My first words were, ‘Fuck! My camera’s in my bag!’ It was the camera-in-the-wet-bag thought that propelled me up in lightening speed, feeling a little limpy and really bloody embarrassed.

Of course, I was worried about damaging my lovely $1500 camera. Mind the Gap later told me she thought I was trying to urge her to take a photo. Luckily, she didn’t have a camera at hand.

The mother and son promptly gave me a towel. They also insisted I buy some tofu (I guess they need good business now to pay for the water damage repairs). They tried to clean up the mess on the ground with a roll of (russian) toilet paper. This achieved nothing, except creating a soupy mush.

I tried to apologise, but ‘Izvinitsye’ just didn’t seem to cut the mustard. So I pointed at my knee and made a twisting motion with my hands and a cracking noise. I think they got the picture, but I don’t think they could shake the picture of a great big Aussie girl in their precious tofu tubs. I know. Harrowing.

In consultation with Mind the Gap and M., I turned my skirt around so the wet part was on the front (so I just looked like I wet my pants instead of pooing them). Then we walked out and bought a drink of water.

That’s when I had the opportunity to belatedly confirm they understood the Little Miss Moi friendship waiver. The waiver being: expect me to fall over at random times and into random things.

It’s embarrassing. Deal with it. I have for the past 20 years.

But please… be my friend?


31 thoughts on “Tofu? It’s so bad for you (aka The LMM friendship waiver)

  1. I know I shouldn’t have laughed because having a dodgy knee is no laughing matter (being a fellow sufferer myself), but your story conjured up such a funny image I couldn’t help it. What a pity it wasn’t captured on camera!! Hope your camera didn’t suffer and that you don’t have too many aches and pains today.

  2. Look me up if you’re ever in the Congo. I’ll rub some crocodile fat into those dodgy knees of yours. Quite a few Autralians are linked to my blog. Fatman and Zuba in Melbourne. Pretty Rosanna and Susanne. I’ll link you as Mrs Moi in Ukraine. I think the perverts who read my blog should know you are married.

  3. Gah – I hate it when I fall ass over tit. You’ve just given me the idea for my next post — my most embarrassing fall ever. I’ll get it up soon. It involved a sloped street on a Greek Island, my too-friendly and very ‘directive’ toddler, lots of wine, a new sun dress, my first attempt at wearing thong panties and my gentlemanly husband. I’m far too unimaginative to make this shit up.

  4. Dear chrisb. I am Oh so glad it wasn’t captured on camera. I’m not known for my elegance, especially when falling into a tub of tofu. Knee is currently tightly strapped and feeling good.

    Dear gorilla bananas. I shall really enjoy the crocodile fat massage. I’m sure it will make my knee feel better. Thanks for linking me to your blog, I’m glad you’re protecting me from the perverts.

    Dear enidd. Well, as the only camera person, and it was in the water (thank god my canvas bag protected it)… that’s the reason there isn’t a photo.

    Dear tiger lamb girl. Oh no… that sounds like a nightmare. Thongs? Sundresses? A over T? Can’t wait to read all about it. And have a giggle at your expense.

  5. oh that knee!! I know I had left a comment on your meme, but it’s not there now…I’ve had two knee surgeries…not a fun thing! But a great story!!

  6. Ohh My God little Miss Moi, that was a classic, hilarious story. I really, really laughed not just a little ha! grunt thing. Pratt falls are the funniest things ever though.

  7. I wish I could have been there to see your fall – I’m trying not to laugh – be sympathetic to your plight – but oh my gosh – how funny….you really needed a good stiff drink after that!

  8. Your poor knee. Right, now we’ve got the sympathy out of the way.
    I so wish there was a photo of you in a vat of tofu. And I just snorted at headless chicken’s comment.

  9. Little Miss Moi, I fall down all. the. time. I have broken my ankle, my arm, my finger, and had stitches five times. We can be friends. ‘Course, I’d be friends with you because you’re hilarious, but bonding over our common clumsiness is okay too. 🙂

    ps – last time I fell down I was carrying a giant pot of water for the fish tank. I bruised my knee *and* smelled of aquatic life. It was fabulous.

  10. Dear becccy. I’m glad I made you laugh. I guess one day, after a bit of therapy, I may be able to laugh about it too.

    Dear claudia. Oh no! My mother and sister have had knee surgery. So far, I’ve managed not to, also my little brother… can you see bad knees run in our family?

    Dear alice band. Nothing like a little light relief at someone else’s expense. Oh.. hang on.. it’s me!

    Dear karmyn. Yes, I had quite a few drinks last night, when I could drown my misery with Mr Moi.

    Dear headless chicken. Yes, I would hardly want to be mistaken for pooing! And who was to know whether the tofu water would dry all brown and sludgy!

    Dear theotherbear. Luckily, my friends just aren’t that quick thinking in the eye of drama to pull out the camera.

    Dear melissa. Ohhh YUK! Fish water is much much worse than tofu water! So is our mutual clumsiness why we’re couch bloggers – office chairs are just too easy to fall off…?

  11. We’ll definitely all still be your friends. Everyone has a bit of clumsoid in them don’ t they?! So was the tofu any good?

  12. I’ve just read this now and have laughed even harder than first time around (sorry) – you conjure up the best images. You are definately a friend if you can make me laugh this much! How’s the knee by the way?

  13. There once was a pretty Ms Moi
    who sometimes ate curd made from soy
    but she made us all laugh
    ‘cuz she took a slime bath
    in a tub of tofu and bok choy

  14. Dear wes. Thanks! And I haven’t tried to tofu yet… there’s a fair bit of it to get through too!

    Dear sarahemily. The knee is fine. I’m glad I could make you laugh at my expense again.

    Dear oh the joys. NOthing like a bit of mortification to make other people laugh, I guess!

    Dear stacey. Well, that’s why I was so excited – I think she makes the tofu herself and it was really really fresh looking.

    Dear willowtree. Well, I felt obliged…

    Dear pamela. Bok choy? Did you say BOK CHOY..? Arrghhhh…! (imagine me falling into the tub of bok choy now).

  15. Oh, my. I hope you are okay and not too bruised or sore after that incident. Still, it was pretty funny. MamaDrama Jenny could have put that on her post today about “laughing at people when they fall down.”

  16. Dear Little Miss Moi,

    you must have looked really cute, asking to take your pic as you fell, etc, no really, this is one of your funniest posts!! Hope some good meal came out of this adventorous trip down to the market

  17. Dear sabrina. Thanks for the tip! I just went and ribbed her about whether she was paying me out or not!

    Dear olechko. It was embarrassing. I’m not sure I can ever go back to Volodormyskii market again.

    Dear Jenny. Cool! I’m freakin’ awesome! Aren’t I…?

    Dear Zandria. And you know what I did last night in the rain? Fell SPLAT on my rear end again!

  18. oh MY, this is an image that doesn’t even need to be captured in film. you have aptly captured it in words so well. hope the knee and your pride are okay!

    how was the tofu?? 😉

  19. I’ve read this now more times than I can count and it cracks me up every time. But those red (fake) Birkies have been begging to be replaced with something more sturdy and grippier for quite some time now. Maybe Blundstones for market shopping?

  20. Oi! Me birks aren’t fake, they’re just really really old. I’m too cheap to buy a new pair (and i just love my red ones). Although I saw some v. groovy ones in Hong Kong, I’m still holding out until you pass on your lovely pink pair.

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