It’s official. Loogies fever has hit Kyiv. Bring out the ballgowns ladies! Prime your papps, gossip mags! The night of nights is coming.
Since I’ve been here, I’ve seen hundreds of legitimate contenders for the Loogies. They’re everywhere. Some of the more common Loogie haunts include… Adorning the steps to the Metro, or hanging around the footpaths pretty much anywhere in the city. You’ll see the occasional Loogie draped in a cafe or restaurant, with the more dodgy ones hanging out in the loos.
And boy, do the Loogies bring out the best in people. Oh! they make people laugh; they make people cry. They make people dance – especially when they’re trying dodge that extra sticky Loogie.
This year’s Loogies will fall into two categories – the Slimy Loogie, and the Green Loogie. Unfortunately, due to the late onset of winter and the illnesses that come with it, there simply can’t be a Gold Loogie category this year.
I’m in negotiations with people who know people, in order to bring Bert and Patti to Kyiv to host the first official Loogies Night. I really don’t think Matthew’s recent kerfuffle involving his ex, Brooke Satchwell and her suspicious bruises, has brought the Newton name into disrepute in Ukraine.
In fact, with behaviour like that, Matthew would be considered an upstanding citizen and an exemplary specimen of the male species. Perhaps he should accompany Bert and Patti here and then defect?
He’ll have to practice his Loogies.